Match.com

So I went ahead and did it... I joined match.com. You'll have to search for the ad yourself if you want to see it. After a conversation with Dana on Saturday about how are we going to meet people to date, and the resounding silence that over took me and the failed attempt to even make friends (Mr Nice Smile seems not to be interested in my olive branch of friendship) I figured I needed to take matters into my own hands make some new acquaintances and go on a couple of dates.
I have done the internet dating thing before, and actually dated the polish princess for a while (now not really friends), Joel, who we never really dated however had possibly the best sex summer of my life with, I also met a good friend, who we still, even though he is in Chicago, talk about once or twice a week. So I'm no stranger to electronic match making
The thing with Match.com and its ilk is that it can be just a damaging to your self esteem as face to face meeting. One of the things that you can do is see how many times and by who your profile has been viewed. I find myself logging on just to see if anybody has looked at my profile, many times a hour. If I do decide to send someone an e-mail or a "smile" (the chickens way out) they can block you, you get an e-mail saying something like "xxxx isn't interested, there are many more like him here are some more for you too look at" followed by a list of others like the one that rejected you.
I give it up to those that do check that box and send the "regret" message. The only thing in my book that is worse that waiting for the phone to ring, from someone that you have left a message with is waiting for an e-mail.
Whats next speed dating?

Mates

Not like "mate" your life partner, more like mate your friends. I have really good friends, I was thinking about that after my ill fated visit to the doctor when he told me that I should get out there, meet new people etc. Well I like the old people that I know. They have been there for many years and there seems to me no reason to replace them.
I do understand where he is coming from, its a little inconvenient that the bulk of my "hanging out" (all but my New York crew, you know who you are) friends live 600 miles away.
I was really never one of those people that had to seek friends out though. They always came to me. I can't say that I set out to meet a best friend when Dana and I met, we met in our dorm when we were both too hung over from the night before to go out again Or Matt and I met through a mutual friend and bonded in out mutual retail hell. So where does one start at 40 to get a group of folks to hang with.
The mechanics of doing that seem somewhat weird to me. I guess one could join a group, team, or take a class, except I really don't have any interests that folks have groups about (the how to sit on your couch group), I can't even imagine myself on any kind of team (the day I join a sports team would be a sure sign of the end of the world) I guess taking a class would be the really only option, but I think my laziness would win out on that front as well. There is always the internet but that seems odd to me, the internet is for shopping, porn and meeting people for sex (not that I would ever do that ...no comment from you Matt). You can go out but in thinking about social situations that I have been in, it seems to me that groups attract people, so for instance, a group of people in a bar look fun, and attract other people to that group, a person alone in a bar doesn't necessarily attract that attention, so they need to gravitate to the group, not my strong point at all. What do you do walk up to them and say "hey you guys look like fun lets hang out?"

Mother Nature

I'll be writing about this for a while so all what 3 of you that read this bare with me.
I just got back from Rio de Janeiro (thank you Logo and MTV) and I was really struck by the beauty of the place. The natural beauty of the ocean, mountains vegetation and of course the people. They are the sexist bunch of folks I have seen ever. It was kind of scary.
Young, thin, fat, man, woman, black white, just dripped sex. My travel companion, Javier said at one point when we were at the gay beach, watching the sunset, on a cloudless Sunday, surrounded by men, in speedo's "how do the keep there hands off each other?" Good question.
Another thing that struck me was that in a different place I would have hated being there. I'm sure that on any given weekend in the summer you can go to fire island, and see a similar "tee dance". What I think made Rio Different was that these guys and gals live this year round. They are "work-a-day" people that whenever they get a chance go to the beach, drink AND smoke, they are not in a gay ghetto, there are people with families there, there are vendors, inbetween walking the beach selling everything from suntan lotion, to shots of Jonny Walker and Red Bull stop to dance, hang out and everybody kind of stopped what they were doing to watch the sunset, and applaud as the sun went down under the horizon.
I know a big part of it was the language thing, and I could understand what was being said around me but I know that these were just a normal bunch of people, not uber fags from Chelsea, Boystown in Chicago, or Palm Springs, that live this relaxed lifestyle even for a day a two a week, and most importantly, remember that a sunset, something that happens everyday, should be appreciated, even if you see it all the time.

Merlot

Or any liquor really. There was a period, my hermit years, when I would drink a bottle of wine a day. Most days after work I would stop at the store pick up a bottle of wine and a lean cuisine or a frozen pizza and make a night of it. Looking from the outside in, it seems pretty sad, however it was what I needed. My mother had just died, I hated my job, I had a long string of failed attempts at dating, but I had cable TV, internet porn and enough money to hunker down and just make the time go by a little quicker with the help of booze.
When I moved back to NY I forgot that you have to go to an actual liquor store for wine. It was so simple in Chicago, any corner store had booze. There is a liquor store by me here but its kind of depressing, its all bullet proof glass, selling lottery tickets and pints of booze. I tried the wine and lean cuisine thing here but then it seemed VERY sad.
Fast forward 10 months and for what ever reason (it could be that on my follow up visit to my doctor, he pointed out that I should be depressed "being 40 and single, not allot of friends in New York,at a certain age its hard to meet new friends and harder to date.. I don't know how you do it, thank God I have a partner" or that yet again another failed attempt at a date, the letter from the IRS about missing 2003 returns I did them but god knows where they are the list goes on) I needed that "bottle of wine night".
I head out to the fancy wine store in prospect heights, because I'm fragile, and the ghetto liquor store might push me over the edge.
I buy my bottle of Shriaz head home. Good times!
I remember why I used to do this in the first place. Its not about taking the edge off (getting drunk) its all in the process. Its something to focus on , instead of worrying about whatever, its all about the wine. How much can I drink with out feeling like crap in the morning, is $12 bottle any better or worse than the $8 one, how many more glasses are there in this bottle anyway? I get a little burst of energy too. I mopped the kitchen, bought some music on Itunes, re lived the old ritual of talking to Matt drinking wine in Chicago while I was drinking wine here in Brooklyn, like I sad good times! Looking at internet porn, seems so much more dignified when you are drinking a mellow red wine.



P.S.Do these glasses look

A. Good?
B. like big fag glasses?
I'm torn...

Mystic

There was a point in time when I would read my tarot cards daily. Numerous times a day actually. I can remember when I was in college and I would read Dana's cards, Dana would read my cards, we would read the cards of our neighbor K.C. I remember one night I read the cards of this guy that I had the hugest crash on, Drew I think was his name, he had gone to Central America as a frat guy and came back a poncho wearing "cool dude". I can remember distinctly he and I sitting up late in my apartment (the wavy brick house that Dana and I thought was so cool until winter set in, and it was cold as hell, and then there was summer when we were over run with fleas), reading his cards, trying to figure out how to get him naked. But alas he was still a straight frat guy at heart. I thought, I later heard a persistent rumor that he was infact gay, and I believe dating a drag queen in small town Ohio at the time.
I can't remember how the tarot thing came about, or who taught me how to read them. I think that it was one of the many women (girls really) in Athens, OH who liked to think of themselves as witches, but I'm not sure about that one.

I stopped reading them, a few years ago, I think because I don't think I ever really understood what my reading really meant. And if I did understand the reading, it was always a big resounding NO to whatever the query was. I would ask "Will I find love?" and cards number 1-9 would be confusing however the final out come card would be awful. I had some cards that no matter what I would always get. the nine and ten of swords would always come up for me not good cards to have in the 10th position when you are asking for your soulmate. They say that getting the devil card or the death card is not necessarily bad, not with these card.
I also tended to ask the same questions over and over, hoping to get an answer that I wanted.
Will I find love? 10 of swords is the answer. Will love find me? 9 of swords the answer. Will I be able to save some money in the near future? The Fool would be the answer. So I figured I'd stop. I mean it took about 15 years but I got the answer and stopped.
Until Today. I figured its a new year, a new decade for me, why not give them a try. The deck was here, I still had the books to give me a refresher on what the cards meant. and no matter what I will only do one reading.
My old friend the nine of swords was in the reading...but in the 5th position, which is things that MIGHT be in my future. and my last card, the card which is the outcome of your query was the 9 of cups, the wish card, the old tarot book says "can mean wish come true, especially in the tenth Celtic position" however, it was upside down... "Wish will not be fulfilled at this time"
Story of my life.